I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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