i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
