He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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