i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
