ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
