Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
