apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
