my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
