when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Found your dick twin last night
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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