So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
