I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
