hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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