Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
