Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
