pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
