I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
