just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
