That's when you crack a 10am beer
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
