so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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