my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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