Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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