i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
