So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
