If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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