I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
