The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
