I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
