I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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