worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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