sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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