Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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