I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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