life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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