Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
