I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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