yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so explain again why im purple
no
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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