I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
