I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
