you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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