I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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