I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
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Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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