I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
