Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just invented taco cereal.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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