I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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