Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
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I need moral support for this bender
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
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Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.