My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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