everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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