glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
