Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
