I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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