yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
