I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
