Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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