I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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