Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
