it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
