So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
