I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
