dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
