and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
